Jane...
- really wishes she could but, I have to floss my cat.
- really wishes she could but, I want to spend more time with my blender.
- really wishes she could but, I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
- really wishes she could but, I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.
- really wishes she could but, My panty hose sprung a leak.
- really wishes she could but, I have to stay home and wash my tongue.
- really wishes she could but, I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
- really wishes she could but, I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
- really wishes she could but, My patent is pending.
- really wishes she could but, I'm worried about my vertical hold.
- really wishes she could but, I have to fulfill my potential.
- really wishes she could but, I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
- really wishes she could but, I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
- really wishes she could but, I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
- really wishes she could but, I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
- really wishes she could but, I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
- really wishes she could but, I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
- really wishes she could but, My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
- really wishes she could but, I just picked up a book called Glue in Many Lands and I can't put it down.
- really wishes she could but, I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
- really wishes she could but, I have to rotate my crops.
Aristotle...
- feels ashamed of his smoking but it's better that I smoke this and let the dreams of the cigarette workers come true then to be selfish & worry about my lungs.
- notices that when the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.
- thinks that a day without sunshine is like night.
- thinks that if atheism is a religion, then not collecting stamps is a hobby.
- is getting that Deja Fu feeling... That that somehow, somewhere, he's been kicked in the head like this before.
- knows that some people say that he must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.
- is wondering if he had everything, where would he keep it?
- is reflecting that the cost of living hasn't affected it's popularity.
- wonders if you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- thinks it's odd that people justify deer heads on their walls by saying they're beautiful animals. Hmmm.... I think my wife is beautiful.
Romeo...
- says let's make February 15th OUR valentines day.
- says there is someone for everyone but wasn't really thinking about you.
- says don't worry... it's not contagious.
- says, "you make me feel dead inside"... Happy Valentines Day
- says on this Valentines days... Please don't make me choose between you and porn.
- already killed some helpless flowers for you... what else do you want?
- loves Valentines day, where nookie is only a box of chocolates away.
- wants to remind you that nothing says "I love you" more than somebody else's words mass produced on re-cycled paper.
- says nothing is more romantic than letting you know that I love you... via this Facebook Status update.
- says, Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, It's Valentines Day, And I have a hangnail.
Oscar...
- is honoured to just be nominated.
- would like to thank you, my fans. Without you none of this would have been possible.
- is nominated as best supporting actor in a documentary of a documentary.
- would like to thank Lynard Skynard for not releasing an album.
- is nominated for best performance by an actor in the role of a robot, pirate or ninja
- is nominated for best adaptation of a boring life
- is nominated for best actor not playing a retard, drunk, or insane person
- thinks Sarah Palin should win for best actor playing a retard, drunk or insane person.
- would like to thank the academy
- is nominated for best portrayal of status update.
- should win best performance in pretending to understand the ending of No Country For Old Men
