Angry but Funny Facebook Status Updates

NAME...

1. hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.



2. Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.



3. says "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar!"



4. thinks its OK to beat up an old lady, if its at Costco, or if she really had it coming.



5. may kill you in the morning.



6. reminds you that when we resort to violence, nobody wins. Wait, that's wrong. I win...always!!! Got that! ALWAYS!!!!



7. thinks it's impossible to look at a baby penguin and not get angry!



8. Shut-up!

Assorted Funny Facebook Status Updates

NAME...

1. was denied adoption of a baby boy from Malawi.


2. will never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night again!


3. is reading his friends' statuses and adding 'in bed' to the end of each one.


4. is for external use only. See your doctor before administering.


5. will never put salt in my eye. never Put Salt in my eye. Put Salt in my eye. Always put salt in my eye.


6. didn't mean to accept your friend request. This is the last status you will read.


7. is only a test. If this were the real NAME, and not a test, you would have been informed.


8. never makes stupid mistakes ..... only very clever ones .....


9. gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.


10. would like you to give him back that filet o' fish! Give me that fish!

Funny Facebook Status Update Excuses

Jane...

1. really wishes she could but, I have to floss my cat.



2. really wishes she could but, I want to spend more time with my blender.



3. really wishes she could but, I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.



4. really wishes she could but, I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.



5. really wishes she could but, My panty hose sprung a leak.



6. really wishes she could but, I have to stay home and wash my tongue.



7. really wishes she could but, I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.



8. really wishes she could but, I'm getting my overalls overhauled.



9. really wishes she could but, My patent is pending.



10. really wishes she could but, I'm worried about my vertical hold.



11. really wishes she could but, I have to fulfill my potential.



12. really wishes she could but, I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.



13. really wishes she could but, I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.



14. really wishes she could but, I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.



15. really wishes she could but, I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.



16. really wishes she could but, I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.



17. really wishes she could but, I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.



18. really wishes she could but, My yucca plant is feeling yucky.



19. really wishes she could but, I just picked up a book called Glue in Many Lands and I can't put it down.



20. really wishes she could but, I promised to help a friend fold road maps.



21. really wishes she could but, I have to rotate my crops.

Funny Facebook Status Update Reflections

Aristotle...

1. feels ashamed of his smoking but it's better that I smoke this and let the dreams of the cigarette workers come true then to be selfish & worry about my lungs.


2. notices that when the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.


3. thinks that a day without sunshine is like night.


4. thinks that if atheism is a religion, then not collecting stamps is a hobby.


5. is getting that Deja Fu feeling... That that somehow, somewhere, he's been kicked in the head like this before.


6. knows that some people say that he must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.


7. is wondering if he had everything, where would he keep it?


8. is reflecting that the cost of living hasn't affected it's popularity.


9. wonders if you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?


10. thinks it's odd that people justify deer heads on their walls by saying they're beautiful animals. Hmmm.... I think my wife is beautiful.