Assorted Funny Facebook Status Updates

NAME...

1. has performed extensive experiments in the shed and can scientifically conclude that a cat has only one life.
2. says Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water I won't need a watch.
3. is hosting a little family dinner party tomorrow. Do you think 2 boxes of Cheerios will be enough for 12 people?
4. says If it takes you more than an hour to get ready, then you aren't as cute as you think you are
5. bought my daughter an Iphone she was happy… I bought my son an Ipad he was ecstatic… I bought my wife an Iron she threw it at me.
6. doesn't want to know the Daily Recommended Value.
7. forgot to buy candy for the kids this Halloween but will offer them a bite of my sandwich.
8. hates those ambulances that drive really slow with with their sirens on. There's one behind me now. So annoying
9. has thrown games of "Hangman" to intentionally kill that guy.
10. keeps having this dream I'm being carried off by a giant squirrel...Does that make me nuts?
11. keeps seeing studies finding fecal matter on just about anything and everything. Has anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?
12. likes being Next,, You can let somebody go in front of you and still be Next. People know who you are. " Who is that"? ... " Oh him he is Next".
13. likes to go to the coinstar machine at shopright and drop in 74 cents. Then go to the desk and cash it in just to see the look on their face.....
14. rear-ended a car this morning. Slowly the other driver got out of his car. And he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well then, which one are you?"
15. thinks sharks eat people just to get on tv.
16. wants to be buried in a spring loaded casket with loads of confetti. Why you ask? Because then in the future some archaeologist is going to have an awesome day at work!!
17. wants to know the Daily Maximum Value that I can consume before I get either fat or diabetes.
18. was bored so I went to a weight watchers meeting last night and threw a box of malted milkballs all over the floor. It was the best game of hungy hungry hippos i've ever seen.
19. was sitting in church and there was this elderly couple in front of me. the husband passed his wife a note that said 'I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?" , she said "get a new battery for your hearing aid"
20. was so worried about the effects of daylight savings time. But it turned out fine, and I didn't lose any sleep over it!!!!

Funny Facebook Warning Status Updates

NAME...

1. ALERT!! Facebook tried to keep this quiet! As of tomorrow, Facebook will creep into your bathroom when you're in the shower and smack your ass! To change this option, go to Privacy  / Personal  / Smack Your Ass and uncheck the "You Betcha" box.
2. just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that "real" hippos don't actually eat marbles?
3. is thinking that with all the technology out there, that someone must have figured out how to create a mirror that actually shows where objects are?
4. says if wasn't for me, it would just be aweso
5. thinks it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
6. has got the moves like Jagger
7. to find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card and combine with the start/expiry dates and security code. What’s yours?
8. Hey my vegetarian friends, just a reminder that my food poops on your food... Enjoy that salad!
9. Some interesting stats... 3,190,374 people are having sex right now, 2,212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. Sucks to be you!
10. Warning: Facebook may contain traces of Nuts!

Funny Back To School Facebook Status Updates

Rodney...

1. says if your name was Homework.... I'd be doing you right now!
2. says back in my day, we used to call it "recess"... now-a-days, it's referred to as "cease fire".
3. would often... when I read a book... thank my teacher. At least I used to... until she got an unlisted number.
4. Studying is like student and dying put together
5. does not need no spelling lessons... who do you think put the cool in scool?
6. thinks going back to school would be great if it weren't for all the classes.
7. thinks teachers aren't truly appreciated... until the weekends!
8. would like to remind the kids not to let their schooling get in the way of their education
9. Teachers call is "cheating"... We call it "teamwork".
10. The more u learn the more u know the more u know the more u forget the more u forget the less u know, so why learn?

Funny Beer Related Facebook Status Updates

Norm...

1. feels sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day
2. thinks that without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza!
3. is also available in Sober
4. Beer!  Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!
5. thinks that beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer
6. is having a beer on this glorious Sunday morning. After all, beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!
7. knows that there are better things than beer...  But beer makes up for the fact that I don't have any of them...
8. thinks that if beer and women aren't the answer, then you're likely asking the wrong question!
9. knows that a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts
10. thinks the problem with you is that you are a few beers behind!
11. is going out to re-enact his favourite story... Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer
12. is ashamed of all the beers I drank but then I think about the workers in the brewery and their dreams. If I didn't drink these beers, their dreams would be shattered! It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
13. likes beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate a major events such as the fall of communism or the fact that that it's Tuesday.
14. the human brain operates as fast as the slowest brain cell. Excessive beer, kills brain cells attacking the slowest and weakest cells first. In this way, beer eliminates the weaker cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you feel smarter after a few beers!
15. Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with beer.