Funny Canadian Facebook Status Updates for Canada Day

Bob MacKenzie

1. says happy C eh N eh D eh Day eh!
2. says only in Canada......  are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink
3. is not offended by the term "homo milk" because, I am Canadian
4. is having a poo...  Cheese curds, gravy and fries.
5. says you know you're Canadian when you can fill in the blanks to: "The good old ____ game is the best ____ you can ____."
6. 
   like all other Canadians knows which leaves make for good TP... Happy Canada Day!
7. needs more Flannel....  Nuff Said....  Happy Canada Day!
8. is celebrating Canada Day wearing his toque and having a Double Double.
9. it's sad but true... We Canucks are the first to say "oh... he/she's Canadian" when talking about celebs... Except for Justin Bieber...  And Celine Dion...
10. is looking for beaver...  Happy Canada Day!

Pop Philosophy Funny Facebook Status Updates

Leonardo...

1. really doesn't get why people like brunch. What's the benefit of combining break-dancing and lunch?
2. thinks that Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavor, are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.
3. is reminding you that ‎42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. thinks everything looks like a Mexican soap opera.
5. is reminding you that you can't force fate, you just have to let it wash over you like a spray tan that won't take because your skin is too oily.
6. is wondering if sharks are mean because they feel unloved, or do they just have a mean way of sharing their affection with others?
7. OK little Johnny, very good, dogs go woof, now what sound does a Giraffe make?
8. A fear of heights is illogical. A fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.
9. If at first you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie
10. It's a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes, Now, potatoes and duct tape and you may have a chance!
11. Do cats burp?
12. Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.
13. Sometimes when you make an omelet you've gotta break a few eggs. What's the alternative? No omelets at all. Who wants to live in that kind of world?

Charlie Sheen inspired Funny Facebook Status Updates

Charlie...

1. is Winning!  Duh!
2. is on a drug, it’s called ‘Charlie Sheen.’ It’s not available cuz if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and children will weep over your exploded body.”
3. will let you borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like dude, can’t handle it, unplug this bastard. It fires in a way that is, I don’t know, maybe not from this terrestrial realm.
4. When you’ve got tiger blood and Adonis DNA, it’s like, get with the program dude.
5. wishes you nothing but pain in your silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated you earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.
6. says there's my life. Deal with it. Oh, wait, can't process it? LOSERS! Winning! Buh-bye
7. is the new sheriff in town and I have an army of assassins!
8. is addicted to one thing right now.... Winning!
9. thinks that the bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math ... another one of their mottoes is 'Don't be special, be one of us.' Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bulls**t! I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I'm done
10. is sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time and this includes naps. I'm an F18, bro and I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground!
11. is dealing with fools and trolls. I'm dealing with soft targets, and it's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee. They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, 'I can't process it.' Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show!
12. What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.”
13. thinks as kids we’re not taught how to deal with success; we’re taught how to deal with failure. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. If at first you succeed, then what?”
14. has probably took more drugs than anyone could survive. I’m bangin’ 7-gram rocks and finishing them because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, one gear… go!
15. says it is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of the bazillions, never have to look at whatshisc**k again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension
    
    

Funny Facebook Status Updates About Being Freezing Cold

Jack...

1. just farted and it froze.  Damn it's coooold!
2. 's shadow froze to the ground today.  Damn it's cooooold!
3. knows it's cold when Paris Hilton has to put on underwear. 
4. thinks it's dangerous to use metal utensils when it's this cold.
5. knows it's cold when chickens are running to KFC to use the deep fryer.
6. knows it's cold when he sees the squirrels throwing themselves against the electric fence.
7. chipped his tooth on his soup... Damn it's cooooold!
8. had to punch a hole in the air to get outside.
9. went to work with a toaster in his pants it was so cooooold.
10. has one word for how cold it is... "peecicle".