Phil...
- says what I was 11 years old. I hit ten straight fastballs in the batting cage, then my friend Jeff Sweeney took one in the groin. I yelled "ball two!" Everybody laughed. That's when I knew I was funny.
- says trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. Then, I met my wife.
- says you never want your kids to see you scared. You want to be that rock that they grab a hold of in a stormy sea. Actually, a rock would sink. So a floating rock.
- says all women should look as tasty as you when they're old
- says cheerleading in my college was cool. The football players were so jealous they wouldn't even let me and my buddies, Trevor, Scotty and Ling go to their parties
- says you have nothing to fear, but fear itself... and the concrete
- hears others saying "You can be part of the problem, or part of the solution." But I happen to believe you can be both
- I'm sort of like Costco. I'm big, I'm not fancy and I dare you to not like me.
- is a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face
- used to have a machete, but times have changed
- There are fish that swim around all day with their babies in their mouth and even that fish would look at Youl and your mother and say... 'that's messed up'
- says when you're gay you just walk around giving butt bumps to everybody. It's like a high-five — we call it a low two.
