Friday, December 31, 2010

Funny 2011 New Year's Resolutions for Facebook Status Updates


  1. resolves to create the world's most annoying TV show... "Glee: Jersey Shore Edition" staring Justin Bieber, LeBron James and Oprah as the Chilean Miners.
  2. resolves to have each of my resolutions in 140 characters or less!
  3. resolves to stop breaking into song at every opportunity... Or atleast stop watching Glee...
  4. resolves to stop using Facebook as a communication tool for somebody in the same room as me.
  5. resolves to quit his job by swearing at his co-workers, stealing a couple of beers, and running out the emergency exit!
  6. resolves to remember to take his medication to stop his Wikleaks...
  7. resolves to avoid getting stuck in a Chilean mine.
  8. resolves to stop Oprah from making any more shows.
  9. resolves to marry Kate Middleton
  10. resolves to tolerate stupid Facebook status updates as long as they don't waste my time.
  11. resolves to stop using the same old story of being sick to get out of work but instead resolve to make up new excuse for the New Year.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Funny Christmas Facebook Status Updates

  1. thinks that Santa Claus has the right idea to only visit people once a year.
  2. is going to buy my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, "toys not included.”
  3. thinks there's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning... and not be a child.
  4. wants an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!
  5. is going to see The Nutcracker... It reminds me of boxing, except with music, choreography, and the dancers don't hit each other.
  6. is going to suprise his wife on X-Mas with new boxers that say "Tickle-My-Elmo".
  7. thinks this year, he is going to buy all his Christmas gifts from Nike...  Made for kids by kids...
  8. wonder is Christmas trees could scream, would we be so joyful in cutting them down?   I suppose we might... if they screamed all the time... and for no good reason.
  9. says "I got your stocking stuffer right here! Baby!"
  10. This just in...  Santa has been shot down by Sarah Palin while flying over Alaska...