- says it's been a business doing pleasure with you.
- is frustrated that he knows all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask him the questions.
- says last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "Where is the ceiling?!"
- notices that nobody ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
- says "Oh no, not another learning experience!"
- has seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
- woke up screaming realizing he hadn't fallen asleep yet.
- This line intentionally left unjustified.
- thinks this would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
- has calculated that three out of four Facebook contacts make up 75% of his friends list
- Is starting to think that today is the tomorrow he worried about yesterday.
- wonders is the "Hokey Pokey" is really what it's all about?
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
- Works for the department of redundant departments.
- ask if you expect mere proof to sway his opinion?
- wonders if you hear about the corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
- just found out that they took the word "gullible" out of the dictionary!
- wonders if illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
- reminds you to not play stupid with me! I'm better at it.
- says don't read everything you believe.
- says don't sweat petty things — or pet sweaty things.
- pleads that you don't treat me any differently than you would the King.
- is going to drink wet cement and get really stoned.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
- thinks that a clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
- is going to have a day of firm decisions! Or am I?
- thinks all the world's a stage. Too bad I missed rehearsal.
- is going to borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back.
- is proud to be modest!
- says ask me about my vow of silence.
- is living better through denial.
- says blessed are they who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
- is boldly going nowhere.
- says cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
- is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
- couldn't myself have better it said.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
- hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
- Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.
- says "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar!"
- thinks its OK to beat up an old lady, if its at Costco, or if she really had it coming.
- may kill you in the morning.
- reminds you that when we resort to violence, nobody wins. Wait, that's wrong. I win...always!!! Got that! ALWAYS!!!!
- thinks it's impossible to look at a baby penguin and not get angry!
Monday, April 6, 2009
- was denied adoption of a baby boy from Malawi.
- will never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night again!
- is reading his friends' statuses and adding 'in bed' to the end of each one.
- is for external use only. See your doctor before administering.
- will never put salt in my eye. never Put Salt in my eye. Put Salt in my eye. Always put salt in my eye.
- didn't mean to accept your friend request. This is the last status you will read.
- is only a test. If this were the real NAME, and not a test, you would have been informed.
- never makes stupid mistakes ..... only very clever ones .....
- gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
- would like you to give him back that filet o' fish! Give me that fish!