Modern Family based funny Facebook Status Updates

Phil...

1. says what I was 11 years old. I hit ten straight fastballs in the batting cage, then my friend Jeff Sweeney took one in the groin. I yelled "ball two!" Everybody laughed. That's when I knew I was funny.
2. says trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. Then, I met my wife.
3. says you never want your kids to see you scared. You want to be that rock that they grab a hold of in a stormy sea. Actually, a rock would sink. So a floating rock.
4. says all women should look as tasty as you when they're old
5. says cheerleading in my college was cool. The football players were so jealous they wouldn't even let me and my buddies, Trevor, Scotty and Ling go to their parties
6. says you have nothing to fear, but fear itself... and the concrete
7. hears others saying "You can be part of the problem, or part of the solution." But I happen to believe you can be both
8. I'm sort of like Costco. I'm big, I'm not fancy and I dare you to not like me.
9. is a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face
10. used to have a machete, but times have changed
11. There are fish that swim around all day with their babies in their mouth and even that fish would look at Youl and your mother and say... 'that's messed up'
12. says when you're gay you just walk around giving butt bumps to everybody. It's like a high-five — we call it a low two.