Charlie Sheen inspired Funny Facebook Status Updates

Charlie...

1. is Winning!  Duh!
2. is on a drug, it’s called ‘Charlie Sheen.’ It’s not available cuz if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and children will weep over your exploded body.”
3. will let you borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like dude, can’t handle it, unplug this bastard. It fires in a way that is, I don’t know, maybe not from this terrestrial realm.
4. When you’ve got tiger blood and Adonis DNA, it’s like, get with the program dude.
5. wishes you nothing but pain in your silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated you earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.
6. says there's my life. Deal with it. Oh, wait, can't process it? LOSERS! Winning! Buh-bye
7. is the new sheriff in town and I have an army of assassins!
8. is addicted to one thing right now.... Winning!
9. thinks that the bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math ... another one of their mottoes is 'Don't be special, be one of us.' Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bulls**t! I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I'm done
10. is sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time and this includes naps. I'm an F18, bro and I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground!
11. is dealing with fools and trolls. I'm dealing with soft targets, and it's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee. They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, 'I can't process it.' Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show!
12. What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.”
13. thinks as kids we’re not taught how to deal with success; we’re taught how to deal with failure. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. If at first you succeed, then what?”
14. has probably took more drugs than anyone could survive. I’m bangin’ 7-gram rocks and finishing them because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, one gear… go!
15. says it is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of the bazillions, never have to look at whatshisc**k again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension