Assorted Funny Facebook Status Updates

NAME...

1. has performed extensive experiments in the shed and can scientifically conclude that a cat has only one life.
2. says Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water I won't need a watch.
3. is hosting a little family dinner party tomorrow. Do you think 2 boxes of Cheerios will be enough for 12 people?
4. says If it takes you more than an hour to get ready, then you aren't as cute as you think you are
5. bought my daughter an Iphone she was happy… I bought my son an Ipad he was ecstatic… I bought my wife an Iron she threw it at me.
6. doesn't want to know the Daily Recommended Value.
7. forgot to buy candy for the kids this Halloween but will offer them a bite of my sandwich.
8. hates those ambulances that drive really slow with with their sirens on. There's one behind me now. So annoying
9. has thrown games of "Hangman" to intentionally kill that guy.
10. keeps having this dream I'm being carried off by a giant squirrel...Does that make me nuts?
11. keeps seeing studies finding fecal matter on just about anything and everything. Has anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?
12. likes being Next,, You can let somebody go in front of you and still be Next. People know who you are. " Who is that"? ... " Oh him he is Next".
13. likes to go to the coinstar machine at shopright and drop in 74 cents. Then go to the desk and cash it in just to see the look on their face.....
14. rear-ended a car this morning. Slowly the other driver got out of his car. And he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well then, which one are you?"
15. thinks sharks eat people just to get on tv.
16. wants to be buried in a spring loaded casket with loads of confetti. Why you ask? Because then in the future some archaeologist is going to have an awesome day at work!!
17. wants to know the Daily Maximum Value that I can consume before I get either fat or diabetes.
18. was bored so I went to a weight watchers meeting last night and threw a box of malted milkballs all over the floor. It was the best game of hungy hungry hippos i've ever seen.
19. was sitting in church and there was this elderly couple in front of me. the husband passed his wife a note that said 'I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?" , she said "get a new battery for your hearing aid"
20. was so worried about the effects of daylight savings time. But it turned out fine, and I didn't lose any sleep over it!!!!