- went to the paint store to get thinner... but I haven't lost any weight yet
- will give you 2 seconds to figure out that you have the right of way before I take it from you.
- wishes I was friends with a midget so I could introduce by saying, "Say hello to my little friend."
- If flatulence is a normal part of pregancy, why did they toss me out of my wife's lamaze class?
- If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter
- If the NBA season is cancelled, then LeBron James will have to travel somewhere to choke in June
- isn't one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper.
- is coming to the realization that it takes a lot of balls to learn how to play golf
- is wondering why people with bad breath are always wanting to tell me a secret.
- thinks that it is illegal to use your cell phone while driving, which is why I had this sweet rotary phone installed in my center console
- It saddens me to think there are people in the world who don't pretend to paddle a canoe while on the moving walkways in airports.
- thinks it would be really convenient if Christmas decorations grew on trees.
- It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad
- I've always had a way of lighting up any room I walk into I flip the light switch
- Just saved a bunch of money on my Mental Insurance by switching to Psycho!
- Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person.
- Last night I had an epifanny...I realized I couldn't spell.
- is making all day plans on the weekend always sounds fantastic. Right up until the time my alarm goes off and I remember I hate getting up early on weekends and I don't really like other people.
- Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.
- My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words 'active' or 'sport' in it's name
Monday, December 12, 2011
More Assorted Funny Facebook Status Updates