More Assorted Funny Facebook Status Updates

NAME...

1. went to the paint store to get thinner... but I haven't lost any weight yet
2. will give you 2 seconds to figure out that you have the right of way before I take it from you.
3. wishes I was friends with a midget so I could introduce by saying, "Say hello to my little friend."
4. If flatulence is a normal part of pregancy, why did they toss me out of my wife's lamaze class?
5. If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter
6. If the NBA season is cancelled, then LeBron James will have to travel somewhere to choke in June
7. isn't one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper.
8. is coming to the realization that it takes a lot of balls to learn how to play golf
9. is wondering why people with bad breath are always wanting to tell me a secret.
10. thinks that it is illegal to use your cell phone while driving, which is why I had this sweet rotary phone installed in my center console
11. It saddens me to think there are people in the world who don't pretend to paddle a canoe while on the moving walkways in airports.
12. thinks it would be really convenient if Christmas decorations grew on trees.
13. It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad
14. I've always had a way of lighting up any room I walk into I flip the light switch
15. Just saved a bunch of money on my Mental Insurance by switching to Psycho!
16. Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person.
17. Last night I had an epifanny...I realized I couldn't spell.
18. is making all day plans on the weekend always sounds fantastic. Right up until the time my alarm goes off and I remember I hate getting up early on weekends and I don't really like other people.
19. Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.
20. My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words 'active' or 'sport' in it's name