Even More Assorted Funny Facebook Status Updates

NAME...

1. 's  friend, Eddie, spends several hours a day lubricating an old bench clamp... It's one of his many vices.
2. 's grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.
3. 's healthcare plan is pretty simple. I’m covered as long as I stay healthy.
4. 's neighbor just got one of those expensive new invisible fences. What a dummy, I can still see him.
5. 's parents never loved me as a child. you can't really blame them though I wasn't born until they were adults!!
6. read a new study from the Centers for Disease Control that says that tripping over your pets causes over 86,000 serious injuries each year. Worse only 30 percent of those make it to YouTube."
7. is not too concerned about the past, but the present, that's a different story. Did you bring me a present? In the future bring a present.
8. Nothing brings two people together like the mutual dislike of another person
9. Nothing ticks me off while driving like a bird WALKING across a street. No it's cool. I'll wait. BTW You can FLY idiot!!!!!
10. OH NO! I'm sorry. I thought it was lime that heals all wounds. That must really sting.
11. post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.
12. Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have found a way to slow the aging process in mice. Which is great news because everyone hates old mice
13. So far I've handed out 23 caramel covered onions on a stick to trick or treaters...life is fun
14. So, if you are deaf but you have psychic ability, would you have a sixth sense or a fifth one?
15. someone told me I am immature and need to grow up...so guess who is not allowed in my treehouse now, smartypants?
16. Sometimes when I'm alone, I lie on the floor and pretend I'm a carrot
17. Sometimes, when holding on too tight, you lose what you were trying to save to begin with.Soap, for example!!
18. Stop, drop, and roll isn't just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
19. the cashier asked me "Would you like to help feed the hungry today?" I said, "That's the reason I'm shopping!!!!"
20. The nice thing about waiting a week to listen to your voicemail is that those people usually don't need you for that thing anymore
21. The only time it's cool to yell "I have diarrhea!" is when you're playing Scrabble.
22. The USA should invade the USA and win the hearts and minds of the population by building roads, bridges and putting locals to work.
23. The witch in Hansel and Gretel is very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house, and these brats come along, and start eating it.
24. There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking.
25. Think of how stupid the average person is. Now realize that half the population is stupider then that!!
26. Took me over an hour to calm my dog down yesterday. He was convinced that the newly installed parking meters in town were pay toilets.
27. Turns out that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat
28. Turns out, when the officer asks why you're not wearing a seatbelt, pretending to have T-Rex arms is only hilarious to you.
29. Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!?
30. wanted to dress as a turn signal for Halloween, but apparently nobody in my city knows what the heck that is.
31. We all can agree, no matter who you are, every group of friends has that one stupid friend. Look around you, you'll find one. If you can't find one, it's you.
32. When I die, i'm gonna donate my body to science........fiction!!
33. when I'm at the supermarket I like to look at my cashier straight in the eyes and tell her "I see you checking me out girl!!!!"
34. When people ask me to keep them in my prayers, I say sure. I should probably clarify though that most of my prayers are about nachos. So if you need a nacho-related prayer, I'm your guy.
35. Whenever I ask "Why me?... a voice always says, "So, who else did you have in mind?"
36. Whoever said that nothing rhymes with orange clearly doesn't know the correct pronunciation of nothing
37. Would like to give a big shout out to people that are hard of hearing.