NAME...
- Wow, it works!!!!! Be right back, gonna try out my new time machine.....Let's see how this goes!!!!!
- You choose an answer to this question at random, what is the chance you will be correct? A. 25% B. 50% C. 60% D. 25%
- Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon...We launch a bird into Pigs!
- You've really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can't reach it.
- thinks it's sort of mean for the closed caption on movies to say "Music playing". Wouldn't it be nicer just to not mention that?
- Ouch!! Wait a second, why is everybody in town throwing stones at me?
- found out one of the fundamental differences between males and females is this.. While at the state fair, walking through the animal barns, the female begins ranking animals in order of cuteness, The males rank them in order of deliciousness.
- What do you get when you divide a pumpkin's circumference with it's diameter? Pumpkin Pi
- How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that
- They say the best thing to do for a woman is to make her laugh. I'd feel better if I actually spoke before she started laughing.
- loves giving an answer to an "or" question with just a yes or no: "Did you order the pizza or do I have to do it?"... "Yes"
- I feel bad when I see a bug on my car when I'm heading to work. Even if the thing manages to hang on the entire way, it's still gonna be like, "Whew, okay, I didn't die. Now...where the heck am I?"
- Do birds get mad when other birds go to the bathroom in the bird bath? "Dude what are you doing?! That is NOT okay! There's a car RIGHT THERE!"
- If a clown offers you a hamburger, and it's not Ronald McDonald, do not eat the hamburger. I learned that the hard way!
- If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It's only fair
- I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
- If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die because I wouldn't want to be me when that happens.
- with the way kids are so HYPER these days, I probably wouldn't have enough patience to be a Kindergarten Teacher...we'd have to play games like DUCT, DUCT, TAPE!
- Getting old is like a haunted house. There are sounds and smells that can't be explained.
- If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur!!
NAME...
- 's friend, Eddie, spends several hours a day lubricating an old bench clamp... It's one of his many vices.
- 's grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.
- 's healthcare plan is pretty simple. I’m covered as long as I stay healthy.
- 's neighbor just got one of those expensive new invisible fences. What a dummy, I can still see him.
- 's parents never loved me as a child. you can't really blame them though I wasn't born until they were adults!!
- read a new study from the Centers for Disease Control that says that tripping over your pets causes over 86,000 serious injuries each year. Worse only 30 percent of those make it to YouTube."
- is not too concerned about the past, but the present, that's a different story. Did you bring me a present? In the future bring a present.
- Nothing brings two people together like the mutual dislike of another person
- Nothing ticks me off while driving like a bird WALKING across a street. No it's cool. I'll wait. BTW You can FLY idiot!!!!!
- OH NO! I'm sorry. I thought it was lime that heals all wounds. That must really sting.
- post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.
- Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have found a way to slow the aging process in mice. Which is great news because everyone hates old mice
- So far I've handed out 23 caramel covered onions on a stick to trick or treaters...life is fun
- So, if you are deaf but you have psychic ability, would you have a sixth sense or a fifth one?
- someone told me I am immature and need to grow up...so guess who is not allowed in my treehouse now, smartypants?
- Sometimes when I'm alone, I lie on the floor and pretend I'm a carrot
- Sometimes, when holding on too tight, you lose what you were trying to save to begin with.Soap, for example!!
- Stop, drop, and roll isn't just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
- the cashier asked me "Would you like to help feed the hungry today?" I said, "That's the reason I'm shopping!!!!"
- The nice thing about waiting a week to listen to your voicemail is that those people usually don't need you for that thing anymore
- The only time it's cool to yell "I have diarrhea!" is when you're playing Scrabble.
- The USA should invade the USA and win the hearts and minds of the population by building roads, bridges and putting locals to work.
- The witch in Hansel and Gretel is very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house, and these brats come along, and start eating it.
- There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking.
- Think of how stupid the average person is. Now realize that half the population is stupider then that!!
- Took me over an hour to calm my dog down yesterday. He was convinced that the newly installed parking meters in town were pay toilets.
- Turns out that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat
- Turns out, when the officer asks why you're not wearing a seatbelt, pretending to have T-Rex arms is only hilarious to you.
- Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!?
- wanted to dress as a turn signal for Halloween, but apparently nobody in my city knows what the heck that is.
- We all can agree, no matter who you are, every group of friends has that one stupid friend. Look around you, you'll find one. If you can't find one, it's you.
- When I die, i'm gonna donate my body to science........fiction!!
- when I'm at the supermarket I like to look at my cashier straight in the eyes and tell her "I see you checking me out girl!!!!"
- When people ask me to keep them in my prayers, I say sure. I should probably clarify though that most of my prayers are about nachos. So if you need a nacho-related prayer, I'm your guy.
- Whenever I ask "Why me?... a voice always says, "So, who else did you have in mind?"
- Whoever said that nothing rhymes with orange clearly doesn't know the correct pronunciation of nothing
- Would like to give a big shout out to people that are hard of hearing.
NAME...
- went to the paint store to get thinner... but I haven't lost any weight yet
- will give you 2 seconds to figure out that you have the right of way before I take it from you.
- wishes I was friends with a midget so I could introduce by saying, "Say hello to my little friend."
- If flatulence is a normal part of pregancy, why did they toss me out of my wife's lamaze class?
- If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter
- If the NBA season is cancelled, then LeBron James will have to travel somewhere to choke in June
- isn't one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper.
- is coming to the realization that it takes a lot of balls to learn how to play golf
- is wondering why people with bad breath are always wanting to tell me a secret.
- thinks that it is illegal to use your cell phone while driving, which is why I had this sweet rotary phone installed in my center console
- It saddens me to think there are people in the world who don't pretend to paddle a canoe while on the moving walkways in airports.
- thinks it would be really convenient if Christmas decorations grew on trees.
- It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad
- I've always had a way of lighting up any room I walk into I flip the light switch
- Just saved a bunch of money on my Mental Insurance by switching to Psycho!
- Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person.
- Last night I had an epifanny...I realized I couldn't spell.
- is making all day plans on the weekend always sounds fantastic. Right up until the time my alarm goes off and I remember I hate getting up early on weekends and I don't really like other people.
- Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.
- My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words 'active' or 'sport' in it's name
NAME...
- has performed extensive experiments in the shed and can scientifically conclude that a cat has only one life.
- says Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water I won't need a watch.
- is hosting a little family dinner party tomorrow. Do you think 2 boxes of Cheerios will be enough for 12 people?
- says If it takes you more than an hour to get ready, then you aren't as cute as you think you are
- bought my daughter an Iphone she was happy… I bought my son an Ipad he was ecstatic… I bought my wife an Iron she threw it at me.
- doesn't want to know the Daily Recommended Value.
- forgot to buy candy for the kids this Halloween but will offer them a bite of my sandwich.
- hates those ambulances that drive really slow with with their sirens on. There's one behind me now. So annoying
- has thrown games of "Hangman" to intentionally kill that guy.
- keeps having this dream I'm being carried off by a giant squirrel...Does that make me nuts?
- keeps seeing studies finding fecal matter on just about anything and everything. Has anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?
- likes being Next,, You can let somebody go in front of you and still be Next. People know who you are. " Who is that"? ... " Oh him he is Next".
- likes to go to the coinstar machine at shopright and drop in 74 cents. Then go to the desk and cash it in just to see the look on their face.....
- rear-ended a car this morning. Slowly the other driver got out of his car. And he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well then, which one are you?"
- thinks sharks eat people just to get on tv.
- wants to be buried in a spring loaded casket with loads of confetti. Why you ask? Because then in the future some archaeologist is going to have an awesome day at work!!
- wants to know the Daily Maximum Value that I can consume before I get either fat or diabetes.
- was bored so I went to a weight watchers meeting last night and threw a box of malted milkballs all over the floor. It was the best game of hungy hungry hippos i've ever seen.
- was sitting in church and there was this elderly couple in front of me. the husband passed his wife a note that said 'I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?" , she said "get a new battery for your hearing aid"
- was so worried about the effects of daylight savings time. But it turned out fine, and I didn't lose any sleep over it!!!!
