Charlie Sheen inspired Funny Facebook Status Updates

Charlie...

1. is Winning!  Duh!
2. is on a drug, it’s called ‘Charlie Sheen.’ It’s not available cuz if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and children will weep over your exploded body.”
3. will let you borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like dude, can’t handle it, unplug this bastard. It fires in a way that is, I don’t know, maybe not from this terrestrial realm.
4. When you’ve got tiger blood and Adonis DNA, it’s like, get with the program dude.
5. wishes you nothing but pain in your silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated you earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.
6. says there's my life. Deal with it. Oh, wait, can't process it? LOSERS! Winning! Buh-bye
7. is the new sheriff in town and I have an army of assassins!
8. is addicted to one thing right now.... Winning!
9. thinks that the bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math ... another one of their mottoes is 'Don't be special, be one of us.' Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bulls**t! I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I'm done
10. is sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time and this includes naps. I'm an F18, bro and I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground!
11. is dealing with fools and trolls. I'm dealing with soft targets, and it's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee. They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, 'I can't process it.' Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show!
12. What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.”
13. thinks as kids we’re not taught how to deal with success; we’re taught how to deal with failure. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. If at first you succeed, then what?”
14. has probably took more drugs than anyone could survive. I’m bangin’ 7-gram rocks and finishing them because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, one gear… go!
15. says it is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of the bazillions, never have to look at whatshisc**k again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension
    
    

Funny Facebook Status Updates About Being Freezing Cold

Jack...

1. just farted and it froze.  Damn it's coooold!
2. 's shadow froze to the ground today.  Damn it's cooooold!
3. knows it's cold when Paris Hilton has to put on underwear. 
4. thinks it's dangerous to use metal utensils when it's this cold.
5. knows it's cold when chickens are running to KFC to use the deep fryer.
6. knows it's cold when he sees the squirrels throwing themselves against the electric fence.
7. chipped his tooth on his soup... Damn it's cooooold!
8. had to punch a hole in the air to get outside.
9. went to work with a toaster in his pants it was so cooooold.
10. has one word for how cold it is... "peecicle".  

Funny 2011 New Year's Resolutions for Facebook Status Updates

LeBron 

1. resolves to create the world's most annoying TV show... "Glee: Jersey Shore Edition" staring Justin Bieber, LeBron James and Oprah as the Chilean Miners.
2. resolves to have each of my resolutions in 140 characters or less!
3. resolves to stop breaking into song at every opportunity... Or atleast stop watching Glee...
4. resolves to stop using Facebook as a communication tool for somebody in the same room as me.
5. resolves to quit his job by swearing at his co-workers, stealing a couple of beers, and running out the emergency exit!
6. resolves to remember to take his medication to stop his Wikleaks...
7. resolves to avoid getting stuck in a Chilean mine.
8. resolves to stop Oprah from making any more shows.
9. resolves to marry Kate Middleton
10. resolves to tolerate stupid Facebook status updates as long as they don't waste my time.
11. resolves to stop using the same old story of being sick to get out of work but instead resolve to make up new excuse for the New Year.



Funny Christmas Facebook Status Updates

Grinch...

1. thinks that Santa Claus has the right idea to only visit people once a year.
2. is going to buy my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, "toys not included.”
3. thinks there's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning... and not be a child.
4. wants an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!
5. is going to see The Nutcracker... It reminds me of boxing, except with music, choreography, and the dancers don't hit each other.
6. is going to suprise his wife on X-Mas with new boxers that say "Tickle-My-Elmo".
7. thinks this year, he is going to buy all his Christmas gifts from Nike...  Made for kids by kids...
8. wonder is Christmas trees could scream, would we be so joyful in cutting them down?   I suppose we might... if they screamed all the time... and for no good reason.
9. says "I got your stocking stuffer right here! Baby!"
10. This just in...  Santa has been shot down by Sarah Palin while flying over Alaska...