Funny Barney Stinson Facebook Updates Statuses

Barney...

1. Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro… I'm... Broda!
2. You can do this! but, to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!
3. It's gonna be legen….. wait for it…..  I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!!!
4. In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.
5. God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me.
6. Here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.
7. Come with me if you want to bang
8. I’m sorry… I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
9. The point is, marriage is stupid. Every day new 22-year olds go into bars, and call me glass-half-full, but I think they’re getting dumber
10. If you can't spot the crazy person on the bus... It's you!
11. Whoa baby you're packing snow balls and you breathe smells like a mermaid's fart
12. I admire your loyalty. You've had that hairstyle forever. You don't care that it's out of style or that it's been co-opted by the lesbian community. You stick with it.
13. Don’t say you’re gonna kill someone in front of airport security. Not cool
14. The girl from last night, I took her back to my place, then this morning spun her around a couple of times and sent her walking. She’ll never find her way back and there she is!
15. There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated. Breast Implants 

 

 

Funny Facebook Status Updates about Higgs Boson (God Particle)

Cern...

1. found one of those God Particles in a box of cereal last year.  Man, I wish I kept it!
2. is glad mankind has found the God Particle, so we can continue our epic search for Waldo!
3. "Are You There God Particle? It's Me, Joe Average That Doesn't Understand You!"
4. CNN "That's all the time we have for the God Particle, right now let's meet your new hot dog eating champion!"
5. predicts that at the end of the God Particle announcement, one of the CERN researchers will pause nonchalantly, and say... "oh, one more thing...", then calmly teleport away...
6. Physicists at CERN announced they found the Higgs Boson “God particle,” but are bringing in Tebow for some tests.
7. 10 minutes after discovery of God Particle, Chinese knock-off found for $5
8. Gee Great.  How long before IKEA comes up with new furniture made with real God Particle Board.
9. says that yo mama's so fat that SHE gives the God Particle mass! (Assuming validity of the Standard Model and Gauge Theory of course)
10. Higgs Boson discovered...  Katy Perry's 3D movie opens... Coincidence?

Funny "Things To Do" Facebook Status Updates

Jennifer...

1. is going to buy a parrot and then teach it to say, "Help! I've been turned into a parrot!"
2. is going to change his name to Simon and then go around speaking in third person.
3. is driving around town, following runners, and blasting "Eye Of The Tiger" for encouragement!
4. put some vanilla pudding in to a mayonnaise jar and is eating it in public
5. is handing out lemons to people on a street corner and wearing a shirt that says "Life"
6. is going to major in philosophy and then go around and ask "WHY do you want fries with that?"
7. just ran into a store screaming "What year is this?" and when the cashier replied with the year, I ran out screaming, "It Worked!  It Worked!!!"
8. is changing my last name to Acula, and going to become a doctor...
9. just hired two private investigators to follow each other
10. is standing in a crowded elevator saying, "I guess you are probably wondering why I've gathered you all here today..."

Funny "It's So Hot" Summer based FaceBook Status Updates

Pam...

1. knows it's hot when your farts ignite!
2. knows it's hot when Pamela Anderson's boobs are melting!
3. knows it's hot when fat guys are making their own gravy!
4. thinks it's hotter than a pair of sweat pants full of barbecue!
5. knows it's hot when Dick Cheney is waterboarding himself!
6. hopes you brought the champagne because today is gonna be TOASTY!
7. knows it's hot when when the geese in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra crispy."
8. knows it's hot when pigs complain about sweating like fat humans.
9. needs a spatula to remove her clothing. ;)
10. 's earwax is melting, it's so hot!
11. knows it's hot when Domino's Pizza is almost at room temperature when it arrives
12. knows it's hot when the air has a shadow.
13. knows it's hot when ABC announces a new show called ‘America’s Got Heat Stroke’
14. thinks it's hot when the women in this town are ovulating hardboiled eggs!
15. knows it's hot when Jehovah's Witnesses started telemarketing!!
16. knows it's hot when squirrels are leaving their nuts uncovered.
17. is sweating like the last piece of chicken at a Brown's family reunion it's so damn hot!
18. knows it's hot when Barry Bonds is injecting Slurpees in his ass
19. will finally know what Joan Rivers' face really looks like it melts because it's so hot.
20. is inside writing status updates on FaceBook because it's too damn hot!

St. Patrick's Day's Funny Facebook Status Updates

St. Patrick..

1. is Irish today!!! Hungover tomorrow!
2. invites you to spank his leprechaun
3. thinks that Neil Patrick Harris is hilarious, but isn't calling him a "Saint" and giving him his own day going a little too far?  Then again.. He is Legendary!
4. says ”Knock, knock!” “Who’s there?” “Irish.” “Irish who?” “Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!”
5. is thinking that when the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland , what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!
6. is gonna party with his Irish Friends: Patty O'Furniture, Rick O'Shay, and Pile O'Sh!t!
7. says put your hands in my pockets and check out my shamrocks!

Funny Facebook Observations on Life Status Updates

Ghandi...

1. woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting relatives stay over.
2. is going to buy a teddy bear for $5, name it Joshua and sell it for $10, to make of prophet!
3. was gonna donate blood until the lady got all personal and started asking "who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
4. just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1987
5. wonders how much milk do I add to baby powder to make a baby?
6. wonders why are the people who tell you to calm down always the ones who ticked you off in the first place?
7. can't stand it when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus
8. was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
9. thinks that If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi.
10. She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons

Funny "2012 New Year Resolutions & Predictions" Facebook Status Updates

Charlie...

1. predicts that although Steve Jobs already died, in 2012 he will die again and it will be faster and better this time.
2. predicts Charlie Sheen will make his comeback on a new hit show called "2 and Half Grams" 
3. will likely spend 2012 jobless, whiny, filthy and living with his parents at 43 King Street except it will be cool because he will refer to it as Occupy King Street. 
4. can't wait for Breaking Dawn Part 2 in 2012 as Bella and Edward get hunted down by Blade!  Perhaps that's just wishful thinking...
5. in 2012, I will be running in a 0.25 mile run in support of people with attention deficit disorder (aka Kardashin Dash)
6. hopes in 2012 that peace will prevail and that we can live in a world where pigs and birds can live in harmony. 
7. is noticing that all my New Year resolutions basically come down to "Try to be somebody else".
8. in 2012, every time I learn a new fact, I will bring it up in a conversation, and laugh at anyone who doesn't know it!
9. When faced with a challenge in 2012... As yourself this one question... What would Phil Dunphy do?
10. predicts Rebecca Black will release the sequel to her hit "Friday" entitled "Saturday". 

Yup! More Funny Facebook Status Updates

NAME...

1. Wow, it works!!!!!  Be right back, gonna try out my new time machine.....Let's see how this goes!!!!!
2. You choose an answer to this question at random, what is the chance you will be correct? A. 25% B. 50% C. 60% D. 25%
3. Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon...We launch a bird into Pigs!
4. You've really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can't reach it.
5. thinks it's sort of mean for the closed caption on movies to say "Music playing". Wouldn't it be nicer just to not mention that?
6. Ouch!! Wait a second, why is everybody in town throwing stones at me?
7. found out one of the fundamental differences between males and females is this.. While at the state fair, walking through the animal barns, the female begins ranking animals in order of cuteness, The males rank them in order of deliciousness.
8. What do you get when you divide a pumpkin's  circumference with it's diameter? Pumpkin Pi
9. How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that
10. They say the best thing to do for a woman is to make her laugh. I'd feel better if I actually spoke before she started laughing.
11. loves giving an answer to an "or" question with just a yes or no: "Did you order the pizza or do I have to do it?"... "Yes"
12. I feel bad when I see a bug on my car when I'm heading to work. Even if the thing manages to hang on the entire way, it's still gonna be like, "Whew, okay, I didn't die. Now...where the heck am I?"
13. Do birds get mad when other birds go to the bathroom in the bird bath? "Dude what are you doing?! That is NOT okay!  There's a car RIGHT THERE!"
14. If a clown offers you a hamburger, and it's not Ronald McDonald, do not eat the hamburger. I learned that the hard way!
15. If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It's only fair
16. I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
17. If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die because I wouldn't want to be me when that happens.
18. with the way kids are so HYPER these days, I probably wouldn't have enough patience to be a Kindergarten Teacher...we'd have to play games like DUCT, DUCT, TAPE!
19. Getting old is like a haunted house. There are sounds and smells that can't be explained.
20. If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur!!

Even More Assorted Funny Facebook Status Updates

NAME...

1. 's  friend, Eddie, spends several hours a day lubricating an old bench clamp... It's one of his many vices.
2. 's grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.
3. 's healthcare plan is pretty simple. I’m covered as long as I stay healthy.
4. 's neighbor just got one of those expensive new invisible fences. What a dummy, I can still see him.
5. 's parents never loved me as a child. you can't really blame them though I wasn't born until they were adults!!
6. read a new study from the Centers for Disease Control that says that tripping over your pets causes over 86,000 serious injuries each year. Worse only 30 percent of those make it to YouTube."
7. is not too concerned about the past, but the present, that's a different story. Did you bring me a present? In the future bring a present.
8. Nothing brings two people together like the mutual dislike of another person
9. Nothing ticks me off while driving like a bird WALKING across a street. No it's cool. I'll wait. BTW You can FLY idiot!!!!!
10. OH NO! I'm sorry. I thought it was lime that heals all wounds. That must really sting.
11. post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.
12. Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have found a way to slow the aging process in mice. Which is great news because everyone hates old mice
13. So far I've handed out 23 caramel covered onions on a stick to trick or treaters...life is fun
14. So, if you are deaf but you have psychic ability, would you have a sixth sense or a fifth one?
15. someone told me I am immature and need to grow up...so guess who is not allowed in my treehouse now, smartypants?
16. Sometimes when I'm alone, I lie on the floor and pretend I'm a carrot
17. Sometimes, when holding on too tight, you lose what you were trying to save to begin with.Soap, for example!!
18. Stop, drop, and roll isn't just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
19. the cashier asked me "Would you like to help feed the hungry today?" I said, "That's the reason I'm shopping!!!!"
20. The nice thing about waiting a week to listen to your voicemail is that those people usually don't need you for that thing anymore
21. The only time it's cool to yell "I have diarrhea!" is when you're playing Scrabble.
22. The USA should invade the USA and win the hearts and minds of the population by building roads, bridges and putting locals to work.
23. The witch in Hansel and Gretel is very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house, and these brats come along, and start eating it.
24. There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking.
25. Think of how stupid the average person is. Now realize that half the population is stupider then that!!
26. Took me over an hour to calm my dog down yesterday. He was convinced that the newly installed parking meters in town were pay toilets.
27. Turns out that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat
28. Turns out, when the officer asks why you're not wearing a seatbelt, pretending to have T-Rex arms is only hilarious to you.
29. Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!?
30. wanted to dress as a turn signal for Halloween, but apparently nobody in my city knows what the heck that is.
31. We all can agree, no matter who you are, every group of friends has that one stupid friend. Look around you, you'll find one. If you can't find one, it's you.
32. When I die, i'm gonna donate my body to science........fiction!!
33. when I'm at the supermarket I like to look at my cashier straight in the eyes and tell her "I see you checking me out girl!!!!"
34. When people ask me to keep them in my prayers, I say sure. I should probably clarify though that most of my prayers are about nachos. So if you need a nacho-related prayer, I'm your guy.
35. Whenever I ask "Why me?... a voice always says, "So, who else did you have in mind?"
36. Whoever said that nothing rhymes with orange clearly doesn't know the correct pronunciation of nothing
37. Would like to give a big shout out to people that are hard of hearing.

More Assorted Funny Facebook Status Updates

NAME...

1. went to the paint store to get thinner... but I haven't lost any weight yet
2. will give you 2 seconds to figure out that you have the right of way before I take it from you.
3. wishes I was friends with a midget so I could introduce by saying, "Say hello to my little friend."
4. If flatulence is a normal part of pregancy, why did they toss me out of my wife's lamaze class?
5. If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter
6. If the NBA season is cancelled, then LeBron James will have to travel somewhere to choke in June
7. isn't one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper.
8. is coming to the realization that it takes a lot of balls to learn how to play golf
9. is wondering why people with bad breath are always wanting to tell me a secret.
10. thinks that it is illegal to use your cell phone while driving, which is why I had this sweet rotary phone installed in my center console
11. It saddens me to think there are people in the world who don't pretend to paddle a canoe while on the moving walkways in airports.
12. thinks it would be really convenient if Christmas decorations grew on trees.
13. It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad
14. I've always had a way of lighting up any room I walk into I flip the light switch
15. Just saved a bunch of money on my Mental Insurance by switching to Psycho!
16. Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person.
17. Last night I had an epifanny...I realized I couldn't spell.
18. is making all day plans on the weekend always sounds fantastic. Right up until the time my alarm goes off and I remember I hate getting up early on weekends and I don't really like other people.
19. Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.
20. My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words 'active' or 'sport' in it's name

Assorted Funny Facebook Status Updates

NAME...

1. has performed extensive experiments in the shed and can scientifically conclude that a cat has only one life.
2. says Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water I won't need a watch.
3. is hosting a little family dinner party tomorrow. Do you think 2 boxes of Cheerios will be enough for 12 people?
4. says If it takes you more than an hour to get ready, then you aren't as cute as you think you are
5. bought my daughter an Iphone she was happy… I bought my son an Ipad he was ecstatic… I bought my wife an Iron she threw it at me.
6. doesn't want to know the Daily Recommended Value.
7. forgot to buy candy for the kids this Halloween but will offer them a bite of my sandwich.
8. hates those ambulances that drive really slow with with their sirens on. There's one behind me now. So annoying
9. has thrown games of "Hangman" to intentionally kill that guy.
10. keeps having this dream I'm being carried off by a giant squirrel...Does that make me nuts?
11. keeps seeing studies finding fecal matter on just about anything and everything. Has anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?
12. likes being Next,, You can let somebody go in front of you and still be Next. People know who you are. " Who is that"? ... " Oh him he is Next".
13. likes to go to the coinstar machine at shopright and drop in 74 cents. Then go to the desk and cash it in just to see the look on their face.....
14. rear-ended a car this morning. Slowly the other driver got out of his car. And he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well then, which one are you?"
15. thinks sharks eat people just to get on tv.
16. wants to be buried in a spring loaded casket with loads of confetti. Why you ask? Because then in the future some archaeologist is going to have an awesome day at work!!
17. wants to know the Daily Maximum Value that I can consume before I get either fat or diabetes.
18. was bored so I went to a weight watchers meeting last night and threw a box of malted milkballs all over the floor. It was the best game of hungy hungry hippos i've ever seen.
19. was sitting in church and there was this elderly couple in front of me. the husband passed his wife a note that said 'I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?" , she said "get a new battery for your hearing aid"
20. was so worried about the effects of daylight savings time. But it turned out fine, and I didn't lose any sleep over it!!!!

Funny Facebook Warning Status Updates

NAME...

1. ALERT!! Facebook tried to keep this quiet! As of tomorrow, Facebook will creep into your bathroom when you're in the shower and smack your ass! To change this option, go to Privacy  / Personal  / Smack Your Ass and uncheck the "You Betcha" box.
2. just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that "real" hippos don't actually eat marbles?
3. is thinking that with all the technology out there, that someone must have figured out how to create a mirror that actually shows where objects are?
4. says if wasn't for me, it would just be aweso
5. thinks it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
6. has got the moves like Jagger
7. to find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card and combine with the start/expiry dates and security code. What’s yours?
8. Hey my vegetarian friends, just a reminder that my food poops on your food... Enjoy that salad!
9. Some interesting stats... 3,190,374 people are having sex right now, 2,212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. Sucks to be you!
10. Warning: Facebook may contain traces of Nuts!

Funny Back To School Facebook Status Updates

Rodney...

1. says if your name was Homework.... I'd be doing you right now!
2. says back in my day, we used to call it "recess"... now-a-days, it's referred to as "cease fire".
3. would often... when I read a book... thank my teacher. At least I used to... until she got an unlisted number.
4. Studying is like student and dying put together
5. does not need no spelling lessons... who do you think put the cool in scool?
6. thinks going back to school would be great if it weren't for all the classes.
7. thinks teachers aren't truly appreciated... until the weekends!
8. would like to remind the kids not to let their schooling get in the way of their education
9. Teachers call is "cheating"... We call it "teamwork".
10. The more u learn the more u know the more u know the more u forget the more u forget the less u know, so why learn?

Funny Beer Related Facebook Status Updates

Norm...

1. feels sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day
2. thinks that without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza!
3. is also available in Sober
4. Beer!  Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!
5. thinks that beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer
6. is having a beer on this glorious Sunday morning. After all, beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!
7. knows that there are better things than beer...  But beer makes up for the fact that I don't have any of them...
8. thinks that if beer and women aren't the answer, then you're likely asking the wrong question!
9. knows that a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts
10. thinks the problem with you is that you are a few beers behind!
11. is going out to re-enact his favourite story... Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer
12. is ashamed of all the beers I drank but then I think about the workers in the brewery and their dreams. If I didn't drink these beers, their dreams would be shattered! It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
13. likes beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate a major events such as the fall of communism or the fact that that it's Tuesday.
14. the human brain operates as fast as the slowest brain cell. Excessive beer, kills brain cells attacking the slowest and weakest cells first. In this way, beer eliminates the weaker cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you feel smarter after a few beers!
15. Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with beer.

Funny Canadian Facebook Status Updates for Canada Day

Bob MacKenzie

1. says happy C eh N eh D eh Day eh!
2. says only in Canada......  are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink
3. is not offended by the term "homo milk" because, I am Canadian
4. is having a poo...  Cheese curds, gravy and fries.
5. says you know you're Canadian when you can fill in the blanks to: "The good old ____ game is the best ____ you can ____."
6. 
   like all other Canadians knows which leaves make for good TP... Happy Canada Day!
7. needs more Flannel....  Nuff Said....  Happy Canada Day!
8. is celebrating Canada Day wearing his toque and having a Double Double.
9. it's sad but true... We Canucks are the first to say "oh... he/she's Canadian" when talking about celebs... Except for Justin Bieber...  And Celine Dion...
10. is looking for beaver...  Happy Canada Day!

Pop Philosophy Funny Facebook Status Updates

Leonardo...

1. really doesn't get why people like brunch. What's the benefit of combining break-dancing and lunch?
2. thinks that Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavor, are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.
3. is reminding you that ‎42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. thinks everything looks like a Mexican soap opera.
5. is reminding you that you can't force fate, you just have to let it wash over you like a spray tan that won't take because your skin is too oily.
6. is wondering if sharks are mean because they feel unloved, or do they just have a mean way of sharing their affection with others?
7. OK little Johnny, very good, dogs go woof, now what sound does a Giraffe make?
8. A fear of heights is illogical. A fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.
9. If at first you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie
10. It's a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes, Now, potatoes and duct tape and you may have a chance!
11. Do cats burp?
12. Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.
13. Sometimes when you make an omelet you've gotta break a few eggs. What's the alternative? No omelets at all. Who wants to live in that kind of world?

Charlie Sheen inspired Funny Facebook Status Updates

Charlie...

1. is Winning!  Duh!
2. is on a drug, it’s called ‘Charlie Sheen.’ It’s not available cuz if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and children will weep over your exploded body.”
3. will let you borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like dude, can’t handle it, unplug this bastard. It fires in a way that is, I don’t know, maybe not from this terrestrial realm.
4. When you’ve got tiger blood and Adonis DNA, it’s like, get with the program dude.
5. wishes you nothing but pain in your silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated you earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.
6. says there's my life. Deal with it. Oh, wait, can't process it? LOSERS! Winning! Buh-bye
7. is the new sheriff in town and I have an army of assassins!
8. is addicted to one thing right now.... Winning!
9. thinks that the bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math ... another one of their mottoes is 'Don't be special, be one of us.' Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bulls**t! I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I'm done
10. is sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time and this includes naps. I'm an F18, bro and I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground!
11. is dealing with fools and trolls. I'm dealing with soft targets, and it's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee. They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, 'I can't process it.' Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show!
12. What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.”
13. thinks as kids we’re not taught how to deal with success; we’re taught how to deal with failure. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. If at first you succeed, then what?”
14. has probably took more drugs than anyone could survive. I’m bangin’ 7-gram rocks and finishing them because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, one gear… go!
15. says it is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of the bazillions, never have to look at whatshisc**k again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension
    
    

Funny Facebook Status Updates About Being Freezing Cold

Jack...

1. just farted and it froze.  Damn it's coooold!
2. 's shadow froze to the ground today.  Damn it's cooooold!
3. knows it's cold when Paris Hilton has to put on underwear. 
4. thinks it's dangerous to use metal utensils when it's this cold.
5. knows it's cold when chickens are running to KFC to use the deep fryer.
6. knows it's cold when he sees the squirrels throwing themselves against the electric fence.
7. chipped his tooth on his soup... Damn it's cooooold!
8. had to punch a hole in the air to get outside.
9. went to work with a toaster in his pants it was so cooooold.
10. has one word for how cold it is... "peecicle".  

Funny 2011 New Year's Resolutions for Facebook Status Updates

LeBron 

1. resolves to create the world's most annoying TV show... "Glee: Jersey Shore Edition" staring Justin Bieber, LeBron James and Oprah as the Chilean Miners.
2. resolves to have each of my resolutions in 140 characters or less!
3. resolves to stop breaking into song at every opportunity... Or atleast stop watching Glee...
4. resolves to stop using Facebook as a communication tool for somebody in the same room as me.
5. resolves to quit his job by swearing at his co-workers, stealing a couple of beers, and running out the emergency exit!
6. resolves to remember to take his medication to stop his Wikleaks...
7. resolves to avoid getting stuck in a Chilean mine.
8. resolves to stop Oprah from making any more shows.
9. resolves to marry Kate Middleton
10. resolves to tolerate stupid Facebook status updates as long as they don't waste my time.
11. resolves to stop using the same old story of being sick to get out of work but instead resolve to make up new excuse for the New Year.



Funny Christmas Facebook Status Updates

Grinch...

1. thinks that Santa Claus has the right idea to only visit people once a year.
2. is going to buy my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, "toys not included.”
3. thinks there's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning... and not be a child.
4. wants an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!
5. is going to see The Nutcracker... It reminds me of boxing, except with music, choreography, and the dancers don't hit each other.
6. is going to suprise his wife on X-Mas with new boxers that say "Tickle-My-Elmo".
7. thinks this year, he is going to buy all his Christmas gifts from Nike...  Made for kids by kids...
8. wonder is Christmas trees could scream, would we be so joyful in cutting them down?   I suppose we might... if they screamed all the time... and for no good reason.
9. says "I got your stocking stuffer right here! Baby!"
10. This just in...  Santa has been shot down by Sarah Palin while flying over Alaska...